A Very Personal Story of My Journey to ‘Here and Now’
For a more conventional description of my background, credentials, etc., Read More…
Could I leave a dying man?
It was definitely a tough decision. I really didn’t want to be married to him anymore, but I couldn’t abandon him either. He had been diagnosed with AIDS several years before. He was still alive and doing okay… at that time. But there was nothing at all for me in the marriage–there hadn’t been for easily five of our nine years married. And I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Fortunately, we had managed to maintain an amazingly good relationship, given the circumstances. And for that, I was grateful.
And incredibly, I consistently tested negative for HIV, for which I was (and still am) extraordinarily grateful.
Had I known then (1985) what I know now . . . about myself, life, and relationships . . . I would have had a MUCH easier time understanding the personality and relationship dynamics at play and a MUCH easier time making the decision I eventually made. It could have been SO MUCH LESS PAINFUL than it was.
Why was I having such a hard time letting go?
Why did I always bend over backwards to please others (especially him) and care so much about what others thought of me?
Why did I have such a hard time knowing who I was, what I wanted, and what I should do with my life?
These and so many more questions were finally answered when I came to understand myself, the world, and others through Human Design. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
I did move out that year. I divorced him the following year. And I paid him alimony, visited him often, and ensured he was taken care of until he passed in 1988.
In leaving the marriage but supporting him financially I had finally figured out a way to take care of myself and do what I needed to preserve my fledgling sense of “self” (and my sanity), without compromising my values and commitments. But I’d be lying if I told you it was an easy process.
Fast forward to a few years later when I found myself struggling with a career decision. I was a really hard worker, smart and dedicated, yet I would burn out after about two years in a job and then would want to take some time off. What was wrong with me? My peers didn’t seem to have this problem.
But the bigger problem was that I really didn’t know what I wanted to do next. I had enjoyed considerable success in the business world (and the government world before that), but there was something missing. I knew I was capable of a far different contribution than the executive career track I was on. I knew I wanted to be of service in a way that truly helped people at a deep level, but I had no idea how to do that.
I went through personality testing, career testing, aptitudes testing, and a 6-week career workshop. Mostly, they were useful. But they only gave me little pieces of the puzzle–not even enough to sense a direction to pursue. One career counselor told me to leave behind my exceptional attention to detail because it wouldn’t serve me as I moved up the corporate ladder. Probably true, but I was proud of my attention to detail and it had always served me well. Ouch. Okay, now what?
It might help you to know (as it would have helped ME to know by that point in my life) that I actually have STRUGGLE built into my Design as a human being. Well, that explains a lot!
But struggle in a Human Design Chart doesn’t have to manifest as struggle with the everyday things, with career, or relationships, or self-definition. The purpose of struggle in someone’s Chart is to help that person find the true meaning of life and what is specifically meaningful to them. I sure wish I had known that back then.
Fast forward again, to me stumbling through various attempts to start my own solo-preneur business. I had figured out enough to know I didn’t want to continue in the corporate world or the federal government. I took some time off. I looked into real estate investing. I learned about puts and calls in stock market investing. I dabbled in doing Quicken Consulting (accounting software), then QuickBooks Consulting (business accounting software), then Health Coaching. I knew I was getting closer, but I wasn’t there yet.
Then my mom entered the last stages of metastasized breast cancer. After being her full-time care-giver, followed by sorting out all the details of her estate (ever grateful for my attention to detail ;-)), I found myself peering at this weird-looking thing called a Human Design Chart, which I had requested a few months earlier but had not looked at until that moment.
The little bit I learned from the free report that came with my Chart was enough to rock my world. WOW.
Suddenly, so much of my life that hadn’t made any sense to me before, made sense! It was like a veil had been lifted, and I saw with clarity why I was the way I was and how I fit into the bigger picture of people and life.
I felt a tremendous sense of relief. And the more I learned about myself through Human Design, the deeper that relief and the more I realized that there was nothing wrong with me! It’s just how I’m designed. And there’s nothing to fix.
I began studying Human Design for my own benefit. I wanted to learn everything I could about myself (also predictable from my Chart: I am a Projector with an Open Identity Center and a 1/3 Profile—click here to see my chart). I wanted that because it was helping me so much to understand myself, my life, and my relationships. It gave me answers that made sense, plus a strategy for moving forward in my life that felt right to me.
The more I learned, the more I was blown away. At that point I realized that there was nothing I wanted to do more in this world than to help people through Human Design—to give them the sense of relief, peace, direction and confidence that Human Design uniquely provides. For the first time in my life, I had no doubt about what I wanted to do.
So now, I work with people who are struggling to find answers—especially people facing big decisions or tough issues in their lives—and I give them clarity, peace, relief, self-confidence, and a reliable way for them to find their own answers… the answers that are specifically correct for THEM.
I am on a mission to help people recognize and embrace their own absolute magnificence—which is so easy to see through the gift of Human Design.
If you are ready to find your own answers, and to have the clarity, peace, and self-confidence that may have eluded you until now, request YOUR personal Human Design Chart here along with your FREE Decision-Maker’s Kit… and let’s get you started on your journey of profound self-discovery!
[If you would like to learn about my background, credentials, etc., click here]